Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would
never
date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's
wrong,
disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd
never talk to
that person again. They believe this is something everybody
knows, that they're just following the rules.
What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard
espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost
never
stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay,
you
will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point.
Queer
communities are often small and insular, and once you've
found
one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult
to meet
people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-
defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most
people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you
meet
someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a
10-minute conversation almost always reveals that she went
to
high school with your college roommate, used to be on a
volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had
a six-
month stand with your favorite barista.
Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives
completely free of prior complication. We know our
backstories
will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of
hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and
usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact,
when
we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend.
They
dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we
got
together, and three years later the same friend gave one of
the
readings at our wedding.
Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating
a
friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your
friendship — you just have to follow a few simple
guidelines.
1. Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared
with you is by default shared with your partner as well;
however,
your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you
in
confidence if she thought the details of her personal life
were
going to be relayed to someone who used to share her
toothbrush. (I'm going to use female pronouns for your
friend,
and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of
simplicity;
however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of
the
participants.) Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is
also
true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with
your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the
details
of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for
anyone who
didn't date him.
2. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for
advice if
you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but
absolutely
resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the
other. This
can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you
know you'll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to
maintain
a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that
you
never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their
breakup
or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years
after
the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a
neutral
party.
3. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For
instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where
her ex
will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume
she
doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general,
allow
your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact
they
want with each other, and don't push them to associate if
they're
not into it. Remember that you can love them both without
them
necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for
friends and
partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it. Set
aside
time for each of them and honor it — don't drag your lover
along
on girls' night out (not even if your lover is a lady; queer
chicks
are so bad about this), and don't invite your friend to what
was
supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.
4. No comparisons. Don't ask your man if you're prettier/
smarter/better at Scrabble than his last girlfriend. Don't
do this
ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the
person you're
going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer
is,
it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself
to
anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to
lead
to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where
you
stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. So don't seek
out
comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him
you're
not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in
competition, except when you're actually playing Scrabble.
5. Don't be paranoid. Don't try to keep your boyfriend and
your
bud from associating because you're afraid they still have
feelings for each other, and don't constantly seek
reassurance
that that's not the case. Trust that your dude is with you
because he likes you and you're awesome, not because he's
biding his time until your friend takes him back. Trust that
your
friend is happy you've found someone you dig, not plotting
to
sabotage your love. And don't ever use jealousy or
insecurity
over their past relationship to excuse irrational or
controlling
behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you
a
legitimate reason to believe he's untrustworthy, get out of
there
stat, but if there's really nothing wrong, don't create
problems
where none exist.
6. Don't pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask
your
friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so
that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that
urge. Likewise, don't grill your boyfriend on what went
wrong or
insist that he account for his behavior throughout the
entire time
they dated. Their relationship is between them; it's not
your
cautionary tale or your soap opera. If they choose to share
details with you, that's fine — you don't need to stick your
fingers
in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made (see
No.
4) — but don't push. Your relationship and theirs are
separate
things, and you don't need to know anything they don't care
to
tell you.
7. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits. It's
easier, of
course, to have hard-line rules — "exes are never
OK" versus
"exes are totally fine" — but that's not the world
we live in. If
someone seriously mistreated your friend (we're talking
emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing,
etc.), don't
date him, no matter how awesome his butt looks in jeans.
This
has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation,
and
everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a
relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you're telling
your friend you don't think what he did to her was all that
bad.
Just walk away. There are lots of people out there who are
just
as good in bed and haven't traumatized anyone you care
about.
Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends
are
people who don't get to see you naked, and your life will be
the
better because of it.
