7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never

date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong,

disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to

that person again. They believe this is something everybody

knows, that they're just following the rules.

What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard

espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never

stated or enforced among queer communities. If you're gay, you

will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer

communities are often small and insular, and once you've found

one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet

people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-

defined circle, and outside of your city's queer scene, most

people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you meet

someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a

10-minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to

high school with your college roommate, used to be on a

volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-

month stand with your favorite barista.

Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives

completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories

will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of

hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and

usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when

we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They

dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got

together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the

readings at our wedding.

Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a

friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your

friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines.

1. Don't gossip. It's common to assume that anything shared

with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however,

your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in

confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were

going to be relayed to someone who used to share her

toothbrush. (I'm going to use female pronouns for your friend,

and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity;

however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the

participants.) Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also

true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with

your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details

of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who

didn't date him.

2. Don't trash talk. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if

you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely

resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This

can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you

know you'll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain

a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you

never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup

or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after

the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral

party.

3. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For

instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex

will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume she

doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general, allow

your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they

want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're

not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them

necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and

partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside

time for each of them and honor it — don't drag your lover along

on girls' night out (not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks

are so bad about this), and don't invite your friend to what was

supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.

4. No comparisons. Don't ask your man if you're prettier/

smarter/better at Scrabble than his last girlfriend. Don't do this

ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're

going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is,

it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to

anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead

to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you

stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. So don't seek out

comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you're

not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in

competition, except when you're actually playing Scrabble.

5. Don't be paranoid. Don't try to keep your boyfriend and your

bud from associating because you're afraid they still have

feelings for each other, and don't constantly seek reassurance

that that's not the case. Trust that your dude is with you

because he likes you and you're awesome, not because he's

biding his time until your friend takes him back. Trust that your

friend is happy you've found someone you dig, not plotting to

sabotage your love. And don't ever use jealousy or insecurity

over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling

behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a

legitimate reason to believe he's untrustworthy, get out of there

stat, but if there's really nothing wrong, don't create problems

where none exist.

6. Don't pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your

friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so

that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that

urge. Likewise, don't grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or

insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time

they dated. Their relationship is between them; it's not your

cautionary tale or your soap opera. If they choose to share

details with you, that's fine — you don't need to stick your fingers

in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made (see No.

4) — but don't push. Your relationship and theirs are separate

things, and you don't need to know anything they don't care to

tell you.

7. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits. It's easier, of

course, to have hard-line rules — "exes are never OK" versus

"exes are totally fine" — but that's not the world we live in. If

someone seriously mistreated your friend (we're talking

emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing, etc.), don't

date him, no matter how awesome his butt looks in jeans. This

has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation, and

everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a

relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you're telling

your friend you don't think what he did to her was all that bad.

Just walk away. There are lots of people out there who are just

as good in bed and haven't traumatized anyone you care about.

Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends are

people who don't get to see you naked, and your life will be the

better because of it.